Another random non-fiction prose written by yours truly.
I’d like to start my musings with a few questions I ask today about my life. Why did I suddenly open up to the world? To the people around me? To people I am so close with? Why did I have to suddenly talk to them just like any normal person? (like I would be…) Was it something that happened around me that started some reaction, something from deep within me, that started to come out of its shell, and finally open up to the world?
I used to remember that I was once perceived as an non-existent entity, an invisible individual who is viewed as someone whose only sole purpose in life is just for existing. In a world where society tends to be more complex, in a tangled web of relations, everything that you hope to believe, that society can somehow allocate and adjust its attention towards individuals such as yourself, is almost vague and can be accounted as near improbability.
On that view, my life tends to be portrayed as such. When I was in my elementary years, people around me see me as an introvert individual. In truth, I believe that I am. I rarely converse with others on topics that are commonly talked upon in society. They can just see me sitting all alone in an isolated place in our classroom, reading a book under the shade of a tree that is starting to shed its dried leaves on the asphalt playground on which there is partly soil on which the said tree stands. I never pay much attention to what is happening around me, anyway.
From my point of view, I can see them as they engage in social interaction. I could see two people talking about their everyday experiences. On another view, one person sits on a swing while the other person, probably a companion, pushes the seat where the previous person sits, slowly pushing the said seat with greater intensity; I could see the person sitting on the swing enjoying the feeling that she is engaged in. Two people from afar, a bench with no support on their backs, playing what I could see from my perspective as a board game, particularly Chess, as I could see the pieces placed on the board transferred from one position to another, as if by command of an intangible rule that governs the said game.
As I continue to view these activities from my position, it is then that I realized that I developed an attitude, a philosophy of sorts, that would somehow become my mantra whenever something happens that could attract the attention of some people and the subject of the conversation could not possibly be me: “I don’t care.”
Not much of me has changed in High School, but then I slowly starting to realize that I began to experiment with the activities that would classify me as a normal person, an individual that could participate in everyday situations, those that would determine what kind of individual I am to society. Slowly, I feel that I’m beginning to be assimilated into everyday activities in society. I join a few of the individuals I consider my friends on eating out of the campus. I began to join their conversations which could pretty much be about what is happening within their circle. As the conversation started to go deeper and into more serious and somewhat personal conversation, I started to realize that my understanding has been behind those that my friends could comprehend themselves By then, I became detached from them, slowly, and all the while entering into a somewhat pleasurable feeling, a feeling that I had before I came into the High School institution. A feeling of solitude, a sensation of individual bliss, a touch of loneliness that is slowly eating the life of me.
From there, I can see that now I have become what I am before: Alone.
Loosely based on a true story.
